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The thing with sleeping beauty and nudity
Neurotic Reports
‘I have to go. I just walked past the mote and the dragon’s chasing Me.’ I say over the phone to Sadie. She’s making fun of me because I told her we live in an old castle just to humour her ‘see Rapunzel anywhere?’ she probes ‘it’s sleeping beauty and she stays in our attic.’ I jibe lightly as Milford opens the door for me ‘well don’t kiss her. She has killer breath.’ She says as I chuckle ‘why would you say that?’ I pry saluting him ‘she’s been asleep for how long?? Sounds to me like a recipe for killer breath.’ She states ‘sounds to me like you’re asking me to be faithful to you.’ I decide tenderly as Mother rushes down the stairs towards me ‘I’m not! We’re not officially going out.
You can get with whoever you want.’ she stiffly says. I smile ‘then what do I have to do for us to be officially going out?’ I investigate ‘are you asking me to be your girlfriend?’ she inquires ‘well I was prompt to assume that you already were. I would like to rectify my speed.’ I shrug opening my arms for mother to hug me ‘I’ll think about it.’ She says though I can picture the cute little shrug she is saying it with as though we were discussing this over dinner at my place ‘then maybe we can discuss it over dinner at my place Sunday?’ I prod as lightly ‘I’ll see if I can push some things around.’ She coos tenderly ‘good. I really really really like you and I would want this officiated as soon as I’m through making out with sleeping beauty.’ I announce as mother gawks at me and Sadie laughs ‘by Jove! Who is that??’ mother shrieks ‘I’ll talk to you later.’ I say hanging up on Sadie.
‘Where’s Anatole?’ I wonder giving her a lifeless hug ‘at the croquet fields with your father.’ She says flashing her wide blue eyes at me. I wonder if she thought those would look good on a man when she was giving them to me! ‘I ought not ill dispose him anymore.’ I decide walking away from her as if I thought my trip was really about seeing my baby brother.
‘We need to confer.’ She says walking out after me urgently ‘about what mother?’ I wonder innocently ‘who was that on the phone?’ she inquires ‘you will meet her soon enough mother. Fret not.’ I assure her looking out into the sunny day ‘reports have reached us Herve; neurotic reports.’ She dramatically says. I turn to her and smile, smoothing the conservative bun of chestnut hair affectionately ‘what has Anatole done now?’ I teasingly imply. She blinks awe at me ‘it’s not Anatole.’ She reveals ‘has father taken ill?’ I wonder enjoying my little game ‘No, he’s fine.’ She assures me ‘the companies?’ I wonder ‘not the companies.’ She tersely states ‘mother are you ill?’ I feign emotion ‘Herve! It’s about you!’ she cries out sourly
‘Am I not father’s son?’ I whisper like I suspected it all my life ‘you’re the spitting image of him!’ she exclaims ‘but I have your eyes and your lips.’ I shrug affectionately caressing her face ‘you have his sense of humour as well!’ she hisses at me. I smile at the graceful woman ‘what have you heard mother?’ I sigh tiredly like I had better things to do. ‘You made an appearance at the summer open?’ she inquires ‘earlier this month.’ I confirm ‘who did you go with?’ she pries ‘the natural; Burlington, Knipschild, Chesterfield and Hadley.’ I list ‘what female company did you attend with?’ she investigates
‘Sadie.’ I announce with a wide smile ‘and she is the daughter of which noble family?’ she probes arching an eyebrow at me as if to say; therein lay the problem. ‘None; perhaps Shaka Zulu.’ I lightly say with a shrug waving at the astonished Gabriella as we walk through the grand kitchen. She smiles at me shyly ‘what is the vexing reports mother? Enough of the innuendos.’ I despairingly heave a sigh grabbing a cookie from the tray brazenly and popping it into my mouth
‘What do you suppose? You got kicked out of the horse races and were exposed in compromising situations with a most inappropriate young woman who made known her deplorable notions of our great country!’ she says ‘is this because she’s an American libertine?’ I wonder ‘I wouldn’t care if she was a French nudist model!’ she assures me ‘so it has nothing to do with the colour of her skin?’ I demand lightly. She looks around the hall and then right at me ‘why are you asking me this?’ she whispers ‘because I love her mother.’ I divulge, watching her gasp as though she was about to faint ‘I have to go find Anatole.’ I state walking away from her, leaving her there gawking after her first born son as I walk through the hallway lit by the grand windows that let me peer into the vast land that was Angelford beck.
‘What are you doing bloke? Are you blind??’ father is screaming out at my brother who is aiming his archer’s bow at a tree that he won’t hit ‘keep your peace old chap! Let me show you!’ the overly confident fourteen years old says. I smile and study the man with my jet-black hair as he smiles proudly at the boy with mother’s hair and his eyes. I might have my mother’s eyes and her lips but Anatole catalogued all else of her pretty features. As a babe he was mostly confused for a girl due to his stunning similitude to her. I thought mother said they were out at the croquet field! ‘Robin Hood hold nothing against my brilliance!’ Anatole announces letting go of the arrow. He’s almost as bad at this as Sadie!! ‘With aim like a blind ferret I doubt Robin Hood need to.’ I announce as it lands on the ground at the root of the tree. He turns to me excitedly, his chestnut bob bobbing around as he runs to me ‘BROTHER!’ he yells excitedly.
I remember wondering what I had done wrong to deserve him. I was ten years old and father had brought him from the hospital with mother. I remember looking at him and wondering what duties as a child I had skipped on to make them feel the urge to bring another child home. I kneel and hug him ‘you’re taller.’ I note ‘I ought to be taller than you by next summer.’ He swears affectionately as we hug. ‘Father says you’re in trouble.’ He whispers discretely ‘am I?’ I wonder ‘I’m on your side.’ He assures me ‘grateful.’ I whisper back as father walks to me ‘Herve.’ he states with a nod of his head ‘father.’ I retort just as simply ‘I brought you something from school.’ Anatole cuts in before father can say anything ‘I brought you some things as well.’ I say as he takes me by the hand and leads me back into the castle. ‘School was superb. We have so much to talk about.’ He says...
‘You kissed Francesca?’ I wonder smiling at my little brother ‘and touched her breast.’ He adds excitedly in the low tones we are talking in seeing as we don’t want our parents to hear a thing. Wow! He’s gotten as far with the girl he likes as I have with Sadie! ‘And she was my valentine as well. I think she’s my girlfriend now.’ He announces proudly. Francesca Williams was Lady Williamston, David’s cute little sister who just last summer told my baby brother she thought I was more becoming than him; like I was going to even consider a thirteen year old for a suitor.
‘Great stuff!’ I say offering him a high five, a habit I’ve picked up from Sadie it seems. He chuckles and stretches over his bed and slaps my palm ‘so what have you done?’ he wonders ‘there’s this girl.’ I reveal with a smile ‘is she hot?’ he investigates ‘Very, and in ways that make you want to birth children with her.’ I assure him ‘what’s her name? Does she have a small sister?’ he investigates ‘are you Lothario now? You’ve barely won Francesca from Michael and you’re already looking around!’ I teasingly say
‘Francesca appreciates that you can’t hold a good thing back.’ He shrugs self-interestedly. I smile and ruffle his hair in scepticism ‘do tell more.’ He chuckles as I wonder if Sadie does have sisters ‘she’s American.’ I reveal ‘dear Zeus! American?? Like Britney Spears??’ he whispers staring at the door as though it was about to fall down and Britney was about to appear ‘More like Beyoncé .’ I add. He gasps ‘she’s black!’ he whispers ‘like chocolate.’ I confirm ‘you’re my hero! If you don’t get in too much trouble for this I’m courting Beyoncé via email!’ he decides excitedly ‘isn’t she older than you?’ I point out ‘has that ever stopped me before??’ he replies as I chuckle in incredulity. I don’t see much of a future for Francesca and Anatole!!
‘What is she like?’ he pries ‘she’s funny and opinionated, she tells people off a lot and has this penchant for doing naughty things that she never gets caught doing, loves a lot of adventure and stands her ground, she wants to rule the world and has this beautiful notion that she can save the world, she doesn’t care about titles and stuff like that and will do as she pleases, she is ambitious and doesn’t tell me things directly which just makes it all the more interesting. She thinks we are the most boring nation in the world and has the cutest little temper, hates horse racing and thinks we’re all fops and she has the most unconventional little apartment. She shoots music videos for hip hop musicians; I helped her out with one for Ambrose Michaels last month and this time she’s talking to some boy band or another while taking trimesters for her Law degree because she can’t wait to start taking over the world.’ I list down wistfully
‘Did you say Ambrose Michaels?’ he whispers excitedly ‘I did.’ I confirm ‘Ambrose Michaels like ‘you can knock a pimp down but a pimp aint dead!’ Ambrose Michaels???’ he excitedly shrieks. That definitely wasn’t the song she was shooting a video for! ‘I suppose.’ I shrug ‘I love him mate!’ he announces ‘okay.’ I say wondering where my little brother has been listening to hip hop ‘posted on the block like a phone booth, my pockets green like I got asparagus growing in there! You can shut me out tell me you aint got me a job! You can knock a pimp down but a pimp aint dead!’ he raps bobbing his head like I know the song he’s talking about ‘the song was something about love gone wrong.’ I reveal
‘BE GONE!!’ he screams excitedly at me. I smile and pretend to stand up ‘SIT BACK DOWN!’ he cries merrily. I sit back down ‘are you telling me Love Games has a video coming out soon?’ he pries breathlessly ‘yeah.’ I reveal. He takes in a deep breath ‘and you know the video director.’ He adds ‘I do.’ I promise ‘this is sensational.’ He says reaching for his phone ‘what are you doing?’ I investigate ‘calling Varden. He needs to know that my brother’s girlfriend shoots videos for Ambrose Michaels.’ He announces...
