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The lacrosse insurbodination
Strawberry Shrimp Ambitions
‘You can’t dislike horse racing!’ I announce trying to pry her hands away from her eyes ‘I don’t know how you stand this!’ she cries out lifting her knees off the chair as if to get into the foetal position ‘it’s more entertaining than basketball.’ I announce. She gasps and straightens up ‘what did you say?’ she investigates squinting her eyes at me dangerously ‘I said it is more entertaining than basketball.’ I reiterate lightly
‘how would you know? Basketball is the best sport on earth and you English people need to style up!’ she announces passionately ‘it’s physical and homosexual.’ I say as she gasps again ‘well all your sports include cruelty to the environment!’ she re-joins angrily ‘men in shorts like that, jumping with so much contact and rubbing crotches against faces; it’s disgusting.’ I report ‘that horse doesn’t want to run like that! It just wants to eat grass and shit!!’ she declares, our conversation turning a few heads ‘and who said that guy wanted crotches on his game. It’s called defence not homosexuality!’ I hiss right back ‘polo is stupid!’ she shouts ‘so is baseball!’ I yell back at her ‘you are all hazards to the environment! No wonder the number two cause of global warming is human interference!! You all should be ashamed of yourselves!’ she declares impassioned
‘And you should stop encouraging your men towards homosexuality and complaining about it!’ I re-join ‘we’re homosexuals?? You don’t see half as many FOPS in America!’ she shrieks hysterically shaking her head at me ‘because we don’t think Gorillas are worth aspiring to look like does not mean we are fops!’ I argue ‘oh no you didn’t!’ she exclaims in shock ‘I did!’ I confirm ‘you’re friends are boring!!! You are the most boring nation in the entire world!!!’ she announces in recompense, kneeling on her seat now ‘because we don’t look like gorillas or because we have manners???’ I probe. She grunts and shows me her middle finger and adds her tongue to the equation. ‘Turning gorilla are we?’ I tease ‘I hate horse racing!!!’ she cries out for lack of remuneration on her part, the security people walking towards us. I stand up ‘we’re leaving.’ I assure them
‘you got us kicked out.’ I point out with a smile ‘you genius!’ she chuckles lightly realizing what I’ve done. I brush my lips against hers ‘let’s go find somewhere to be unproductive.’ I say placing my arms over her shoulder; mother should be on her way to school by the end of today...
‘It doesn’t feel right; you want to own the world. My ambitions look like strawberry shrimp next to a blue whale.’ I sigh. We ended up settled on a little hillock overlooking the daffodils ‘isn’t that somewhere to start?’ she probes encouragingly. I take in a deep breath ‘I want to travel the world.’ I state. She smiles ‘it’s that simple. I want to travel the world.’ I announce. She smiles some more ‘what?’ I prod ‘nothing.’ She shrugs ‘what nothing?’ I investigate ‘well for the two weeks I’ve known you I can sort of tell you’re a rich swot.’ She declares ‘I am no such thing.’ I deny ‘you have a chauffeur who answers your calls for you, you get to have weekend trips to pretty places like this with your brat friends, race horses, archery and five course meals every night not to forget how you all have this thing for gelling back your hair and wearing crested sweaters like you’re walking around primped and saying ‘I’m expensive darling’ it’s pretty much the life of a rich swot.’ She narrates frankly
‘your tongue may taste good but it hurts!’ I announce ‘truth’s a bitch.’ She shrugs casually ‘I have to think of some things to say towards hip hop.’ I decide lightly ‘all I’m saying is you’ve been bred to believe the world owes you so I understand why you’re aspiration is to stroll around it like it’s yours.’ She says looking out at the daffodils. I’m afraid she might have chanced upon the truth a bit too young! Pray god! She has it!!
‘What’s the story behind the daffodils?’ she wonders changing the topic ‘they are Lady Rollins’ favourite flowers.’ I shrug ‘and?’ she pries ‘and when the earl was sent to the Korean war all she could do was put a prayer for his safe return into a daffodil seed and plant it. With every blossom of the daffodil she would see it as a sign from God that his love for her was still blooming in his heart wherever he was, which was most important to her.’ I elucidate. She smiles ‘that’s sweet.’ She decides with a sigh ‘I would have never guessed you had a penchant for romance.’ I tease ‘I don’t.’ She denies as I remove the suede visor she has on ‘you do.’ I assure her with a smile ‘no I don’t.’ She says with a smile ‘every girl wants to be Cinderella.’ I swear
‘I wish every man wanted to be prince charming.’ She sighs staring at my lips dreamily ‘most of us just want to be charming rogues who get all the dames we want until all the dames we want we find in one.’ I blather helplessly lost in the milk less coffee of her eyes. She smiles ‘and then with a kiss the frog turns into a prince.’ I whisper as our lips acquaint like the climax of a violin concerto in my mind. I will never understand how I get on pins and needles and ice over at the same time when we kiss but I will however take pleasure in the kisses with all the abandon I can conjure up...
‘Herve...’ she cries out stopping my hand and pulling away from me. I grunt ‘I’m sorry.’ I gruffly whisper. I have to understand why her body calls to me as it does and her mouth goes ahead to disrupt us! I pull away from her and take in a deep breath, trying to come to terms with the stiffened and swollen state of my phallus. ‘I feel like the incredible hulk when he is angry.’ I grunt as she chuckles softly by my side ‘you’re not about to turn into a monster.’ She assures me tenderly ‘I should hope so.’ I grunt trying to think of something non-amatory ‘tell me something.’ I request ‘like what?’ she wonders ‘take my mind off absconding with your virtue.’ I instruct ‘do you think they’re going to take my visa back because I said you’re the most boring country in the world?’ she wonders.
I smile ‘I doubt.’ I assure her ‘you really are boring though.’ she sighs ‘I’ll have you know we have the most entertaining football league in the world ‘and how many English people play in the league? Don’t think I’m dumb. I know y’all import fly Europeans so we have to watch their asses in them tight shorts; it’s a conspiracy.’ She announces. I turn to her ‘is everything a conspiracy?’ I probe. She smiles ‘you can’t deny that though.’ She says knowingly
‘Theo Walcott is quite the heartthrob and he’s inbred.’ I argue ‘let’s just discuss the big names David Beckham I’ll give you that though personally I don’t find him attractive. Thierry Henry? Not from here, Robert Pires? Not from here, Freddy Ljunberg? Not from here Cristiano Ronaldo? Nani? Gilberto Silva? Ballack? Toure? Who the hell plays for here from here?’ she pries ‘Rooney.’ I shrug. She smiles ‘shearer, David Seaman’ I add ‘they don’t play anymore. Is Seaman the guy who used to cry?’ she wonders entertained ‘so?’ I probe sensing something from it ‘so? That’s gay.’ She concludes triumphantly ‘don’t tempt me to show you how not homosexual we English are.’ I warn her ‘we should go for lunch.’ She says reaching for the visor on the ground. ‘You mean before they come out after us again and I end up having to harm Hilliard for his loud mouth syndrome?’ I lightly say. She smiles and puts the visor back on. I twist it around to the back so her face isn’t hidden from me and then caress her cheek, swiping the smooth chocolate surface with my thumb. I’m glad Lucas didn’t tell her about the stupid reasons I have for being with her! I need to satiate certain urges before the world returns to its right course. She stops my hand ‘we should go.’ She reiterates ‘we should.’ I concur standing up and taking her hand as I lead her out to the car...
